Remember the Fallen

I couldn't find a reason to grieve. I was sure there was something wrong with me. Hadn't I loved her? Everyone else was crying....
My great-grandma died close to a week ago. Sunday, December 2, 2012. We went to the funeral and I couldn't find any reason to feel even a semblance of grief for her. In all honesty, I still can't. I tried all the typical reasons.
I'll never see her again: Actually, I will. I'll see her in paradise.
She's not going to be here for Christmas: is this really getting to be about me getting presents? That's pitiful. She's not celebrating Christ's birth here, but she's WITH Christ. That's way better than any Christmas gathering.
She's gone. I can't see her any more: yes, she's gone. She is gone into Heaven. She can breathe freely. She can move. She can run and shout and laugh and dance again.
Death hadn't touched my life until then, save for the loss of two dogs, a hermit crab, and one relative I had never known. Even for my PETS I cried. But for my great-grandma? No. In the span of about 20 minutes I felt sadness. Not grief or sorrow, but sadness.

And now, here I am. This is one week after the mass shooting in Newtown. I think of those 26 killed. I think back to the stories I've heard of Columbine. Of the shootings in Tucson, in Aurora, in so many places within the past few years. I think of my friend's pastor who killed himself last year. I think of all of them who lost their lives, people I don't even know, and I grieve with a sorrow I have never known. It's a physical heartache. Something that makes my stomach knot and my head hurt. I do not hate the shooters. I weep for them. The boy in Newtown, he didn't just wake up that morning with a psychopathic urge to kill. He was human. He IS human. The others were too. The shooters, the victims, the witnesses, they're all HUMAN. I am by no means saying that what they did was right. I am not saying it is acceptable. But they didn't just desire blood. They were driven to that by so many different forces and voices. Some of those were their own.
Now, there are so many families who will wake on Christmas morning and weep bitterly for their children. For their husbands. Wives. Mothers. Fathers. And they will wonder why God would do this if he existed. They will despair in their loss. The shootings go on in theaters, churches, mosques, schools, homes, streets...
And so I grieve for them.
It is devastating. Those children may not have been saved. They will never get to live out their lives. They won't have children of their own. Their families, their friends, now live with not only the memory of their lives but with the memories of their deaths. Depression may ensue. Despair. Falling away from God. Hatred toward those who murdered the ones they loved. And all of this is understandable. To an extent it is expected. No words can compensate for the people you have lost. The nation truly does grieve with you.
Even still, remember those who begin such things. A teenager who decides to open fire on classmates before killing himself may be driven by depression. Depression brought on by others. Everything you do has a consequence. There have been multiple accounts of people planning suicide then rejecting it because someone reminded them that they are Human. That they matter. These kids were reminded of that because someone picked up their books, said hi to them, complimented them somehow. And it saved their life.
To those reading this long after these current events, do not forget to remember the fallen. Do not reject those who hurt. Do not cause the harm that pushes people toward, to, and over the edge of control into the abyss of depression and darkness.
To those not affected by these shootings: pray. Pray for the men, women, and children who have lost ones they loved. That they still love. Pray for comfort and peace. Pray for something good to come from this.
To those involved or affected by the shootings... There are no words for what has happened and I am deeply, deeply sorry. I pray for you. I weep for you, with you, and will continue to do so for years to come. Evil is hard at work. No law or regulation can stop Satan. Comfort each other. I pray that _something_ good would come out of this. Trust in God, because He is there. I can't explain the "why?"s. But there is a reason. Somehow, somewhere, there is a reason. Whether we will ever see or understand it, I don't know.
To you all: Remember the forgotten.




Ltpoethearts.blogspot.com

Questions...

Why is it that just when everything looks perfect and I've neatly arranged all my scenery that a whirlwind comes through and threatens everything? Just when I've filed away all of my Fears and shoved the last few crumbs of Doubt under the rug, a twister runs through and throws everything back out into the open again so that I have to rush to cover it until I have more time to reorganize. I'd just neared recovery from two back-to-back internal battles (the earthquake and the aftershock). Little did I know, a hurricane was on the way. My great-grandma died on Sunday night. I haven't slowed down enough to really soak it in and everything it means. I'm not sure I want to. Maybe this is that "denial stage". If I keep moving long enough, if I can fall asleep fast enough at night, I won't have to think about it and it won't mess me up again. I can outrun the hurricane.
Maybe that's a fantasy, but it's one of the few things I still want to believe. I can't seem to find the light at the end of any of these twisting and winding tunnels. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've been going in circles for months.

Maybe life wasn't meant to be put together. People always seem to think someone or other has their life all figured out, but what if that's not even possible?

Battle Cry

Kneel, brave child, a mere boy no more

Bold one, stand up as The Enemy roars

Fight, dear one, with the champions you rise

Put an end to the torment of the Evil One’s lies

You direct the future of all those you see

Stand firm, my child, and fight for me.

June 8, 2010

Leaena Tigris

We are in the middle of a battle, thrown in unprepared, but given all that we need. A fire burns in us like nothing that can ever exist when we are on our own. We fight in strategically colonized groups. Placed by those who know how to help us and by those who oppose us and, though in the same battle, tear us down which, through time, strengthens us. The swordsman is placed by the archer and it is up to each to protect the other. We are one through unification in this war and in this life and world. We are as one for who we are and what we believe. We work together, though distant. We are never alone. Nothing matters. Everything that has been hidden and unseen throughout our life does not even exist as far as we know. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.  Everything that we never said, everything that we always needed to hear, we cover that. We solidify under pressure and threat and danger. All of those components together make up a solid, unified, unthreatened, undaunted, fearless group of warriors which none of us are noble enough to be considered part of. 

We are given all that we need to fight in this war, but not trained in the way that we expect. From the moment that you become a soldier, you must choose whether you will fight or you will stand in the middle of the angry hornets’ nest that is our battlefield and wait for training until you are run through and your life is gone, wasted by uselessness and lack of use in itself. Everybody dies, but not everyone lives. People just don’t get that. There’s more to living than being alive. If you are physically alive, but that’s it, you exist. You have no purpose, no plan, nothing. You are a single grain of sand dropped down into an endlessly deep abyss. Lost. You are lost. Not irretrievable, but lost. Gone. You exist and that is all that you know how to do. 

If you are internally alive, you are standing on that battlefield, you have a purpose and you know what that is, you know that you are destined to fight, but you just stand there. You deserve to get run through for every single stupid thing that you will ever do and you deserve to die. We all do. We just stand there, but we don’t get it. This is not a game, this is a war. This is not some fantasy in your head where you can erase your actions and start over, what’s happened has happened and there is nothing that you or anybody else can do about it. We drive on and don’t look back; it doesn’t mean we can’t learn from our pasts. We need to learn from it or we are going to make the same stupid mistakes that we’ve always made day after day and we will continue to pound nails through the hands of someone who died for us. We tone it down way too much. That is what this whole battle is and we lose focus of the point. We forget why we’re fighting in the first place. We fight to defend ourselves and defend the only one who chose to defend us. We fight for everything that comes against us to try to knock us down and make it seem like we are alone and useless and completely lost, hopeless, irredeemable, unseen, unheard, and unknown. 

But no, when we are united through the blood of our King, we are unshakable, unchangeable, untouchable, and we are protected. Nothing can stop us from doing what we were destined to do all along. If you are fighting like you should be, then you know that this is war and we are fighting to the death. There is nothing that can stop us or hold us back. Nothing can touch us or cause us to fail other than our own, dead selves and our disbelief. If we could only get rid of those forever, if we could throw those aside and burn them into oblivion, we could fight and be unshakable in every aspect from everything. We would be, in essence, invincible. Doubt, worry, self-centeredness, jealousy, and hatred would not exist within us. We would be perfect and there would be nothing that could stop us from doing what we are called to do in all circumstances. But we cant. We can’t just burn it or shake it off, it comes back to get us and that’s what we are fighting. 

We are fighting darkness with light: fighting within ourselves and out in the open in the realm of the unknown. We have sided with the darkness since the beginning, but now we are in the light and this is a war of the living versus the dead. We have to re-kill ourselves each day to remain alive. Darkness itself can not approach, let alone touch light, but if we refuse to show that light by serving and loving and doing whatever it is that we are called to do we will end up sinning which, for all the geniuses out there, we happen to do a lot. 

Take a look around. This can not be all that there is. Look at the guy walking past you at Wal-Mart. He could be dying for all you know. Glance at that teenage girl in front of you in the drive through line at Wendy’s, she could be just as much of a fighter as you. Not everyone is what you will make them out to be. I’m not saying that we should judge them or make up stories about them or try to guess what is going on in their life, my point is simply that they might need some prayer. They are dying and you are watching them, you have the power to pull them out of darkness, now will you use it? Will you be on the frontline? Are you just going to stand there and wait for Death to find you or are you going to use every minute of time that you have to fight?

"I declare that they will speak to the walking dead in our streets and we will see them come to life again!"  -Mattie Montgomery

" 'You can burn in hell for all I care' is the message we send to all those to whom we neglect to preach the Gospel." - Mattie Montgomery

“He was the King of the Universe, yet He lowered himself down enough to become one of us slimy little meat bugs.”  -Riverblade

“He died for you. I mean, just listen to it, He died for you. Are any of you out there dying right now for someone? I don’t think so. And still we continue to do all those little, stupid things to Him every single day. How can you not get that?”  -Riverblade

                “We fight together and that’s the only way that we can survive here. We can’t do this alone, we have to do this as one. I am with you until the end.” –Leaena Tigris

God said... I said...

I think I actually saw this in a magazine once. Something similar anyway, and I made my own. I wrote this on November 11, 2011. Or at least, that's what the document properties say. 

I said: I can’t last much longer here.  God said: Yes you can. I know that you can.  But I wasn't ready when you put me into this.  Yes you were, child. I gave you everything that you needed to do this for me. You've lasted this long, why give up now?   Because I can’t go on. You don’t know what I’m going through.    Yes I do.  You don’t feel like your parents love you. Your old friends have left you and you’re relying on your new friends to help you through this. Your brother can’t seem to leave you alone and your sister either ignores or opposes you.   Well, yeah, but why did you put me in this family? In this position? In this life?   Because I need to strengthen you. I need to prepare you for what you will face later on.   But why this? You could have at least put me somewhere where I feel safe and secure. Somewhere where I would have the encouragement and support that I need.    I told you, you have everything that you need, I just have to make you stronger. Everyone feels alone at some point, you know that. Is the only way to do that to put me here and leave me?  You know that I haven’t left you. I've always been with you. But you don’t show up anymore. Not like you used to. But I’m here. I've always been right by your side. Then how come I can’t tell that You’re there? Why don’t you do anything with my problems? If You are right beside me, then You should know what’s happening and do something about it. Is this just a game to You!? Is it fun for You to watch me go through all of this? No, it’s not. Look around you. I've given you friends that are like a second family to you. I've given you time and dedication. I've given you skills. Please stop trying to push me away. Let me hold you. Let me talk to you. But what about- None of that matters. I know what you hide and what you don’t tell anyone, you’re safe now. I love you.    I know you do.    You have a purpose.   But I don’t think I’m ready.   You are.    What if I mess up? What if I can’t do it?    You can do it.    But what about everything that people have said to me? What about all the ways that I've been treated?   I know all about that. You don’t think that you are worth anything, but you are. You are worth My Son. Don’t forget that. Okay, but you don’t understand how I feel! How could you?   Because I've felt that way. You feel useless. You don’t feel loved or wanted, you don’t think that you are worth anything because that’s what people have told you for the last three years. You aren't sure who you are or where your life is taking you. Did you forget that my son was abandoned and hated by his own people? Do you not remember what they did to Him? I know that you remember that. You've known it since you were little.    But… I know. I’m sorry. I’m just mad and I don’t understand why You were doing this to me.    I know.  Come here. Rest. Don’t worry about anything, I’m holding you. It doesn't matter. I’m here for you. I've been walking through this with you. Don’t worry.    Thank you... for everything.    Rest, my child, you have a mission to go on soon.    I’m ready.    I know you are.   What is it that you want me to do?  Everything. Fight for me, rescue the dying, and comfort the lonely. You know what to do.  I’m ready, God, I’m ready now.

That We Were Made- Part 2

We’re pack animals. Have you noticed that? I mean, think about it. In the most obvious sense, girls go to the bathroom in herds (for reasons unknown to me). When crimes occur, even if people are direct eyewitnesses, studies show that people doubt what they see if others do not react. Peer pressure doesn’t seem so much to be inflicted by others but by ourselves because of our tendency to follow others. People were meant to be together. Depression often stems from loneliness. Hopelessness and despair come from lack of friends and therefore love. I find that fascinating….

Tiger Eyes

Ok, I was eight when I was writing this, so don't go too hard on it. May I take a moment to point out, I try to avoid using exclamation points and parenthesis now and I realize that the placement of a tiger as well as the events that occur are highly unlikely. Actually, I don't think any of the facts are accurate at all. I realize that too. Really, it's a random scene from nothing at all. The first part is the original and the second is a rewrite. Maybe it'll turn into a short story, but I don't know yet. Tell me what you think! :)

It was a rainy day in the woods when I was running home. All of a sudden I saw a brightly colored tiger! It growled and roared as the rain dribbled down on him, the plants, and leaves. I went over to it. As I did he purred, then I asked him if he'd carry me home. He said "yes". So I climbed up on his back and off he ran! I could hardly see the trees and the tall (not to mention itchy) grass. But I could feel the rain stinging my face as it poured down and the whipping of the wind. And from then on we were best friends.


This is the rewrite:


The rain poured down in the forest, dripping off of leaves onto the ground all around me. I ran home, my feet pounding the same trail I'd followed so often before. But something was different this time. A smell? I slowed and looked around me. A tiger. 

A tiger watched me from up ahead, amber eyes staring through the grey haze. The rain streamed down his face and body, journeying through the magnificent beast's fur. It gazed at me in silence for a while, each of us transfixed on the other. I looked down into its face and it looked back at mine. How'd I gotten so close? I thought of looking back to see if I'd moved, or if it had been the tiger. But no. That face, the golden eyes reaching out to me, it was captivating. My breath caught in my throat. My heart pounded. This beautiful, majestic creature was right in front of me. He could kill me if he wanted to. Why didn't he? I saw my hand reach out toward the tiger's face. It felt unreal, as if I was watching someone else perform this act. The tiger blinked slowly, like a house cat signaling friendship. My hand found his head and moved behind his ear as if he were a large dog. A low rumbling resounded, strong as thunder. He was purring. The tiger was purring. I watched in awe as he nuzzled my hand then stood in front of me. For a few minutes, I couldn't figure out what he was doing. Finally, I understood his offer. With all the courage I could muster and all the excitement I thought possible for a human being, I climbed upon his back. 
I could hardly see the trees as he ran. They swept past in a blur of browns and greens. The tall grasses rushed along beneath me like a raging river. The rain pelted my body. It stung my face and I could barely open my eyes in the wind. But all of my senses had become unnecessary. I felt a new exhilaration overflow within me, pouring into my blood and seeping into my bones. Pure joy as I had never known it before flooded my entire being. It was then I knew. He was my tiger. My Tiger. 

Stars

Stars amaze me. Have you ever seen a picture of the galaxy? If you haven't, go look one up. There are countless stars. And that’s just in ONE galaxy. Somewhere in that milky haze there’s a planet. And on that planet there are millions of little people. Now back up again to the galaxy. That thing is HUGE. How many people would it take to fill it? I have no idea. But that’s a good question. Maybe I’ll do the math some other time. If we were to look at a galaxy- the actual thing, not a picture- and if it were as big as a house, how big would the earth be? My point is, we’re astoundingly, incredibly, unimaginably tiny. We start off as one cell and somehow… somehow we’re all accounted for. Each of us. Our tears are collected and our names are called from heaven. How mind blowing is that? Again, I love the stars. Maybe they’re just balls of gas floating in space but astronomy never really interested me. I don’t care what they are, but they’re beautiful. They light up a dark sky like little flecks of silver on a black velvet backdrop. Like little diamonds hanging on tiny  threads above all of creation. Maybe it’s just me, but I think they’re incredible.

Dots on the horizon

White, yellow, and red

A concrete jungle

Waits hopefully ahead

Yet up above, a city

Bright and shining flame

Galaxies and planets

Each known to Him by name

A city of stars hangs overhead

Comets ablaze

Planets on threads

Perfectly orchestrated

Uniquely designed

Beautifully created

At the beginning of time

A more beautiful city

Has never been seen

Stare at the stars

That hang over me

By: Leaena Tigris

March 11, 2012   10:03 pm

I've entertained fantasies of laying outside, watching those stars. My boy comes and lays next to me. I take his hand and smile and we just lay there, watching the universe in silence because words are futile when it comes to such serenity of scene and emotion. Granted, these are only fantasies, but they spark up a flame of hope. Hope that hope really does exist. Hope that there is a purpose and a future out there for me. But you know what? The King of Glory is crowned with stars. His glory makes them seem like pebbles set beside the most brilliant diamond. And you know what else? The same God who made those astonishing stars created us too. And to top it all off, we are made in His image. So not only are we made by the maker of the stars, we are infinitely more beautiful, more wonderful, because we are made like Him. Just a thought from the myriad of wonders swirling in my head.

Power

This has been in my drafts for months. Since June, actually. Shorter than the others, but I mean every bit of it.

What power we have! Not power of our own, but of the One who sent us. What great strength we have received that we should be able to heal the sick and blind, to restore the crippled, to cast out demons, to move even mountains. We are but recipients of that power, as it comes not of our will but of His. So we rely on His will for our power and oh what power it is. That we would speak in the name of our God as we are moved and commanded and that people would hear as he has ordained. We are blood-bought and sanctified by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the one who grants us this power. Therefore we owe him everything that we are. Our lives, our time, our beings, everything we are and posses to our Master. We are self-inflicted slaves, chained to our Love and Peace. Not called to physical war, but to spiritual, as we fight with the power of the Living God. Living as such warrior does not go unnoticed. Perhaps unrewarded for a time, but let your glory come at the hand of the Almighty Alpha rather than men for the praises of Man will fade, die, and rot away, but the appraisal of the Most High God endures forever.

The Bride

"The church is a place not for the whole but for the broken; not for the healthy but for the sick." But it is not a place of complacency. The sick go to a doctor for medicine, not to stay sick, not to be kept as is but to be healed. The church has become a place of apathy. We come and go and play all the parts were supposed to have but it's an act. A play. A child's game. WAKE UP! Wake up, oh Bride of the Most High God. Awaken and find His power, let Him renew you in His strength. We've waited so long to act and now time is short. Time has always been short. One second can mean the end of this life. One second. Awake, oh Beautiful Love, be redeemed. Your husband calls to you but, harlot, you sleep with all the things of this world. Money, people, numbers. Brag about your size and services but your heart is no more than stone. With each empty promise, every pill, every cut, every picture, every needle in your arm, you become conformed. Church, Bride, Loyal, Loved, Army of the Living God STAND UP! Become who He created you to be! There are never characters In a story without a purpose, nor are you here without reason. The world may hate you but only because you refuse to fit into the "normal", the "status quo". You do not belong to the world and therefore it despises you. When you are attacked, it is because you are a THREAT. A threat to the darkness that battles to overwhelm your soul. If you have claimed the Light of Christ, oh children of the Most High God, that darkness CAN NOT TOUCH YOU!

Oh ye of little faith, why do you doubt? Wake up. My Bride, you were beautiful until you spoiled yourself with the things of this world. I offered you a heart that would burn forever but you'd rather have the fleeting flames of lust. I offered you a life, a new start, a chance to become like Me, but you would rather become like my enemies. I gave you a flowing, sparkling white gown with crystal shoes and a pure golden crown with all your favorite gems strung up in a beautiful necklace. My Bride, you were stunning but on that day you ran, you tore that white dress when the thorns scratched at your legs and your feet were scarred by the roughness of the ground because the shoes I gave you shattered, left behind forever. Your necklace snapped and the gems sank into the mud where they were irretrievably lost. My love, your crown fell, twisted and battered, your beauty marred by anger and fear. You preferred your bitterness to My forgiveness and the lovers who abuse you and make you feel worthless to My love everlasting. But at least you still FELT! As time went on you forgot your first Love, your first Kiss, your first Husband, the One who waits for you still. You forgot Him, forgot ME, and it made all the filth you detested seem bearable, acceptable, tolerable, applaudable. I saw you on the street corner yesterday, darling, looking for another man because you can't remember. When did you last think of Me? When did you last think of how you once loved Me? I called to you but you couldn't hear Me over the rush of hands and kisses, all the voices whispering affection. My Love, do you remember when I gave Myself for you? I know you've heard it again and again so that it has no meaning, but, My Darling, I will tell you again in hope that you might listen.

I prayed to My Father, My God, in the garden that night and My friend betrayed Me. One action led to an unintentional rebellion. My followers left Me, fearful, even though I told them not to fear. I told you the same, I remember. I held your hand when it was still warm and looked into your eyes. "I'll never leave you, never forget you, My Love. I will fight your battles for you, so don't be scared. I love you. I'll protect you." My words were not empty. My passion is still with you. After the ones I loved ran, my enemies came and took Me. I didn't fight. I loved you. It hurt even then, knowing you would leave Me again and again. They beat Me, struck Me, mocked Me, My Bride, and I remember their words. My heart cried to you as their shouts and fists flew, but I knew already that you would not hear. My Beauty, they chained Me to a post so that I couldn't move to either side. Their metal, bone, glass, and leather tore through My flesh and muscle. They shredded My skin so that you did not recognize Me. I saw you then, among the crowd, laughing with a man who played with your hair. I cried out again, in pain and in sorrow, unable to bear the thought of your betrayal. I fell, the wood crushing My blood-covered body. I heard the laugh of the people I loved, I heard you laugh as another man came up behind you and covered your eyes. I heard then all laugh and it stung through My open back where blood poured into the street. I struggled, the pain of the wounds and of your dead, decaying love unbearable. I felt the dirt spray into My wounds as children played in the streets. Women wept and their tears fell into My wounds. I wished they were yours. I wished you would weep over Me like you used to. I heard your voice among the mockery. "You fool, You will never have my love." Your words hurt as much as the rocks beneath Me that dug into my bloody, broken flesh. I made it to the hill, the battleground Calvary, and lay on my Death Tree, knowing what would come. The splinters pierced My shredded muscle and I cried again. I watched your hand place a nail on Mine and take the hammer. With each strike you shouted your anger, your malice, your hatred. "You lied. You leave. You will never have me." You leaned over My beaten face and whispered your curses in My ear. I cried with each strike of hammer and word. I remember that your hand brushed Mine and I hoped for warmth but your hand was like a corpse. Cold and stiff. You kissed Me one last time, but there was no love, no passion, it was like the kiss of a snake, a mockery of what once was. A goodbye not because I was leaving but because you were. My heart split and My Father left Me because I took on the darkness that you carried. I saw you in the crowd, blurred with tears and blood. Your lips stained with My blood as you savored its flavor. I gave you a necklace of jewels and a golden crown and you gave me a crown of thorns. You pressed it on with that final kiss, whispering "for a king, for a king..." and the flow of My blood became like the sea. You stood there and hissed your bitterness, exalting yourself in vivid tales of lust and your lovers. I cried out My pain but you laughed. I breathed My last breath and choked. I heard roars of laughter echo in the sky. "We won!" I heard you shout to your lovers with the voice of My fallen angel. Beauty made into the very thing I had come to slay.

My Love, remember that the day approached and your greatest master lost his hold. I returned for you and your love, once old and dead, was renewed. I loved you in life, in death, and in the life again but I remember your old demons came calling and I tried to fight for you but you melted my sword and danced away with them. I searched for you, Love, but each time I found you, you ran. You fled with the demons. My love pursued you as it always has. For years I chased after you, calling to you. Your anger became an unknowing mockery. "In the name of Christ" you said, but you got so caught join expecting Me to come that you forgot to look for Me. And so I remind you of where you've come from. When I saw you on that street corner, you looked at first lovely. Sparkling eyes and beautiful as if you didn't need Me. But I looked again and saw behind your mask. I saw black, cold eyes, blind and dead, the mouth of a snake with venom coating your every word. I could see your pain corrode skin which peeled off, decaying. Your hair fell out and you tried so desperately to hold yourself together like a rag doll coming apart at the seams. But you covered up your desperation with false love and unreal hope. You disguised your attempts at holding yourself together as a calling card for all the innocents and all the ravenous and all the hollow empty souls walking by. I saw you and remembered your dress when I found it in the woods after you left. It was town and stained with blood. The blood from the thorns and then from your blade. My Darling, I await your returning. I seek you, watch you, wait for you. My love is endless. The church is not a place for the broken to remain broken but to be healed.

Worth Dying For

Some people say there are few things left in this world worth dying for. Others argue that things like Peace, Justice, Friendship, etc. are far more than worth it. Perhaps it depends on your point of view, I don't know. However, it seems to me that there while there are a few things worth dying for, there is much more worth living for.

 Here's something I bet you didn't know: you are loved. Not only that, but you are loved beyond imagining. Maybe you're like me: a Christian raised in a church and Christian home. But you have no idea. You can't know. That's how much He loves us. It's Easter Sunday as I write this and although I don't know when I'll get around to publishing it, you should realize that Easter is not only the time Christ died and rose, it is also the time that you were permitted into Eternity with God. That's a big deal. I heard a spoken word thing on my hand-me-down mp3 player a while back and looked it up on YouTube. It's by a guy named Mattie Montgomery from a band called For Today. One thing he said really struck me: "You are worth it".

 

People today find their worth in a lot of different things: money, status, relationships, possessions, the list could go on and on. You want to know what really defines us? God. He's the one who tells us who we are. And do you know who that is?  He says you are a princess, His little girl, His love, His dream, His passion, His desire, His focus, His joy. Guys, he says you are His son, a Prince, His strong boy, His heart. You are His sole desire. He wants you and He will go to any lengths to get you to want Him. So, like Mattie said, You Are Worth It. You are worth living for, worth dying for, worth coming back to live for again. Even though by your very nature you despised Him and because of you He suffered and died the most vicious way possible. You killed Him. It was your sin that nailed Him there. But He still died for you because He LOVES you. More than you realize, more than you can imagine.

To the Cutter: He bled so you didn't have to. To the Suicidal: He died so you would live. To the Forsaken, the Lost, and the Lonely: God turned His back on His Son so He would always be with you. To the Depressed: He took on your sorrow so that you could live without it. To the Complacent: He lived radically to set an example for you. To the Careless: He loved you so you might love Him. To the Fearful: He dislodged fear so you wouldn't be ruled by it. To the Human: There IS a God. He is more powerful than you could ever dream and He is passionate about YOU. You who killed Him, You who shouted "Crucify Him!", You who disowned and rejected Him. YOU.

  Never forget, He loves you more than you could ever realize   
                 and He thinks that YOU worth dying for.

Fear and Faith

     Fear versus Faith. This must be one of the biggest battles of all time. I mean, think about it. Statistics say that one of the most common fears is public speaking. I am without a doubt the most solid, living proof of that. Somehow, when God tells me to speak to someone, or even write a note and stick it in a kid’s locker, I freeze. By that, I mean I get deer-in-the-headlights scared. If I follow through with it, I’ll open the locker door and my heart will be pounding so hard I think it may jump out. Maybe to everyone else, it looks like it’s no big deal for me, but I’m terrified. For what reason, I don’t know.

Nehemiah built a wall. Noah built an Ark. Abraham was told to kill his only child. He didn’t write words on fragile paper and put it in a metal box crammed full of other assorted items. These are different matters entirely. The things God asks us to do are never impossible with His power, just as we are never incapable. The amount of trust and faith God requires of me is so little, yet I freeze at the mere thought. In all things, I know I am to trust Him wholly and completely, without hesitation or doubt. Perhaps that is the greatest secret to fearlessness: trusting in the one who dispels fear as if it were a flame in the middle of an ocean. What is a piece of paper in eternity? What harm can come from words that is worse than what may come of silence? Maybe in a new year there's more to resolutions of diets, savings, exercise routines, and promises to stop what we never should have never started. Maybe there's a deeper level: one not of flesh and blood but one of purity, holiness, and new beginnings. One that says "Follow me." and requires every bit of our being to do so. And who knows? Maybe it's when you lose something you can't live without that you realize you're more alive than ever.

 
Haggai 2:4-7 "But now be strong, Zerubbabel,’ declares the LORD. ‘Be strong, Joshua son of Jozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares the LORD, ‘and work. For I am with you,’ declares the LORD Almighty. ‘This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And my Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.’ “This is what the LORD Almighty says: ‘In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land. I will shake all nations, and what is desired by all nations will come, and I will fill this house with glory,’ says the LORD Almighty."

Insanity, meet Insomnia

 3:29 and I still can't sleep. Having a lot of nights like this these days, either sitting up and wishing I wasn't so lonely or dreaming of a future where everything was fine. Increasingly more often, I find myself wishing I had someone sitting up beside me, even in silence, but just that I could have someone there. In a way, there is.

It took me way too long to figure his out.Since about a year ago, I've felt the loneliness of not having a boyfriend.Some time after that, I realized exactly what I wanted: someone to love me, who will always be there when I need them, who will listen, who will reassure me,who will comfort me, who I can talk to whenever I want, who will never give me up. Of course, this is all normal and would indeed make for a perfect boyfriend, but I tend to doubt anyone can actually be like that. Instead, I thought over what I wanted and the only person who can fulfill it. Christ. He's always there, right next to me. Sometimes I don't see him but maybe I'm not looking. Sometimes I don't feel him, but maybe it’s because I need to strengthen my faith. After all, faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see, right?

I listen to music that red forces my feelings of loneliness. Perhaps because I've grown so accustomed to it that to have it removed would be like removing a part of me. I read things about people who've found their loves, or like me, who are still looking. Somehow I'm dissatisfied with the love of a man who would rather die than be without me for any amount of time, who tells me every day that he loves me, who gives me presents each day to show his affections. How can I be discontent with such a love? Who am I to say that it is not good enough? Yes, we were made to have a companion. But we were primarily made to know a God. The God. The King of the Universe. The Maker of Everything. And yet I am discontent. I am not willing to speak in His name, the most powerful thing that has or will ever exist, and yet I say that his extreme loyalty is not enough. So why? Why is such a magnificent thing not enough for me? Because I don't talk to Him. I spend so much time writing and thinking and talking to myself that I tell Him "later"and stand him up on every date. I don't talk to Him, but He constantly whispers His love to me. I don't listen and the scream in anger, wondering where he is and why I can't hear Him. So maybe I'm a lot stupider than I realize, but isn't it human? To want something so badly and then realize you've had it all along?But then you say it's insufficient because you aren't doing what you're supposed to. Perhaps it's only human, but we are called to be more than that.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him,graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one.Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:28-39 NIV)

So much in only 11 verses. He works for our good. We are called, justified, and glorified. He is for us and therefore who dare stand against us. In a way, we are invincible. He gave us His treasure so will be not also give us the smaller things? He justifies us and makes the most wicked,terrible sinners righteous before a God who tolerates NO sin. And so, who can take this away? Hard times? Lack of sleep? Loss of things close to us? Sorrow?Trouble? Of course not. Despite all these things, in the midst of all these,"we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." nothing can separate us from this amazing, astounding, unending love. NOTHING. Now tell me how that is insufficient. I scold myself as well as you reading. I wished so long for an unending love only to realize that "my guy" has been waiting for me for over 2000 years. My boy, my love, the only one in the world who matters. And he's waiting for me. ME. Why? Because He loves me. He loves me more than any guy could ever begin to love. More than any boy on earth could even dream of loving. And so, He is ENOUGH. He is more than enough, more than I or anyone else could ever begin to dream of fathoming. Yeah. That much.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:9-11 NIV)