3:29 and I still can't sleep. Having a lot of nights like this these days, either sitting up and wishing I wasn't so lonely or dreaming of a future where everything was fine. Increasingly more often, I find myself wishing I had someone sitting up beside me, even in silence, but just that I could have someone there. In a way, there is.
It took me way too long to figure his out.Since about a year ago, I've felt the loneliness of not having a boyfriend.Some time after that, I realized exactly what I wanted: someone to love me, who will always be there when I need them, who will listen, who will reassure me,who will comfort me, who I can talk to whenever I want, who will never give me up. Of course, this is all normal and would indeed make for a perfect boyfriend, but I tend to doubt anyone can actually be like that. Instead, I thought over what I wanted and the only person who can fulfill it. Christ. He's always there, right next to me. Sometimes I don't see him but maybe I'm not looking. Sometimes I don't feel him, but maybe it’s because I need to strengthen my faith. After all, faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see, right?
I listen to music that red forces my feelings of loneliness. Perhaps because I've grown so accustomed to it that to have it removed would be like removing a part of me. I read things about people who've found their loves, or like me, who are still looking. Somehow I'm dissatisfied with the love of a man who would rather die than be without me for any amount of time, who tells me every day that he loves me, who gives me presents each day to show his affections. How can I be discontent with such a love? Who am I to say that it is not good enough? Yes, we were made to have a companion. But we were primarily made to know a God. The God. The King of the Universe. The Maker of Everything. And yet I am discontent. I am not willing to speak in His name, the most powerful thing that has or will ever exist, and yet I say that his extreme loyalty is not enough. So why? Why is such a magnificent thing not enough for me? Because I don't talk to Him. I spend so much time writing and thinking and talking to myself that I tell Him "later"and stand him up on every date. I don't talk to Him, but He constantly whispers His love to me. I don't listen and the scream in anger, wondering where he is and why I can't hear Him. So maybe I'm a lot stupider than I realize, but isn't it human? To want something so badly and then realize you've had it all along?But then you say it's insufficient because you aren't doing what you're supposed to. Perhaps it's only human, but we are called to be more than that.
It took me way too long to figure his out.Since about a year ago, I've felt the loneliness of not having a boyfriend.Some time after that, I realized exactly what I wanted: someone to love me, who will always be there when I need them, who will listen, who will reassure me,who will comfort me, who I can talk to whenever I want, who will never give me up. Of course, this is all normal and would indeed make for a perfect boyfriend, but I tend to doubt anyone can actually be like that. Instead, I thought over what I wanted and the only person who can fulfill it. Christ. He's always there, right next to me. Sometimes I don't see him but maybe I'm not looking. Sometimes I don't feel him, but maybe it’s because I need to strengthen my faith. After all, faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see, right?I listen to music that red forces my feelings of loneliness. Perhaps because I've grown so accustomed to it that to have it removed would be like removing a part of me. I read things about people who've found their loves, or like me, who are still looking. Somehow I'm dissatisfied with the love of a man who would rather die than be without me for any amount of time, who tells me every day that he loves me, who gives me presents each day to show his affections. How can I be discontent with such a love? Who am I to say that it is not good enough? Yes, we were made to have a companion. But we were primarily made to know a God. The God. The King of the Universe. The Maker of Everything. And yet I am discontent. I am not willing to speak in His name, the most powerful thing that has or will ever exist, and yet I say that his extreme loyalty is not enough. So why? Why is such a magnificent thing not enough for me? Because I don't talk to Him. I spend so much time writing and thinking and talking to myself that I tell Him "later"and stand him up on every date. I don't talk to Him, but He constantly whispers His love to me. I don't listen and the scream in anger, wondering where he is and why I can't hear Him. So maybe I'm a lot stupider than I realize, but isn't it human? To want something so badly and then realize you've had it all along?But then you say it's insufficient because you aren't doing what you're supposed to. Perhaps it's only human, but we are called to be more than that.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him,graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one.Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:28-39 NIV)
So much in only 11 verses. He works for our good. We are called, justified, and glorified. He is for us and therefore who dare stand against us. In a way, we are invincible. He gave us His treasure so will be not also give us the smaller things? He justifies us and makes the most wicked,terrible sinners righteous before a God who tolerates NO sin. And so, who can take this away? Hard times? Lack of sleep? Loss of things close to us? Sorrow?Trouble? Of course not. Despite all these things, in the midst of all these,"we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." nothing can separate us from this amazing, astounding, unending love. NOTHING. Now tell me how that is insufficient. I scold myself as well as you reading. I wished so long for an unending love only to realize that "my guy" has been waiting for me for over 2000 years. My boy, my love, the only one in the world who matters. And he's waiting for me. ME. Why? Because He loves me. He loves me more than any guy could ever begin to love. More than any boy on earth could even dream of loving. And so, He is ENOUGH. He is more than enough, more than I or anyone else could ever begin to dream of fathoming. Yeah. That much.
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:9-11 NIV)
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