This post has been in my drafts for a while. But I think it's time for it to come out. So here I begin...
How in the world can you forget the past when it keeps coming up to haunt you? How can you move on from something, anything, when all it wants to do is cling on for dear life? It warrants tears and frustration. Hate and indecision. And of course that same feeling of want mixed with uncertainty is exactly the thing I feed. Adam Young said once "Why is it -- the faster you attempt to heal from something painful, the more frequently it tends to haunt you? When will the ghosts under the stairs give up and go home? Why can't I give them five bucks and the car keys and tell them to take the night off?" Why? Why can't I write that same poetry as Levi, where he can find himself in the lost corners of his mind. Where he can gather his thoughts into something coherent and make it more than just a bunch of words thrown onto a paper. Where he can create something beautiful. Something wonderful. Is everybody haunted? I don't want to keep remembering the past but sometimes it just won't let go. Sometimes its grip is so tight I don't think I can breathe and sometimes, only sometimes, I'm not sure I want to. The past brings pain. And I know that I should know the future brings hope and forgiveness, I just want to get there sooner. I want to get out of this silent zone I'm in where nothing makes sense because nothing is real because there's nothing to be real that I can make sense out of. I want something concrete. Something that doesn't make me look back and wonder what I did. "I don't want to be left in this world tonight. Am I alone in this fight? Is anybody out there?" - Tyler Ward: Is Anybody Out There?
Is everybody haunted?
March 30, 2013
Alexithymia
I've noticed, especially recently, that when I'm upset or nervous, I listen to music. The more whatever emotion irritates me, the louder the music gets. So here I am, sitting in my room, with my door closed and my music so loud I can't hear much of anything else. And I can't even place what I'm feeling. I guess that's not entirely atypical, but it certainly doesn't help anything. Alexithymia.
Technically, that's the definition. It's a psychological condition that keeps you from being able to verbalize emotions. And I think everyone suffers from it, to an extent. It's hard sometimes to say exactly what you're feeling. When it doesn't quite fit in general terms like "mad" or "upset" or "hurt". The English language, and most languages probably, are severely lacking in terms words to effectively express emotions. And yet we try. Personally, I find that extremely interesting.
alexithymia a·lex·i·thy·mi·a (ə-lěk'sə-thī'mē-ə)
n.
Inability to describe emotions in a verbal manner.
n.
Inability to describe emotions in a verbal manner.
Technically, that's the definition. It's a psychological condition that keeps you from being able to verbalize emotions. And I think everyone suffers from it, to an extent. It's hard sometimes to say exactly what you're feeling. When it doesn't quite fit in general terms like "mad" or "upset" or "hurt". The English language, and most languages probably, are severely lacking in terms words to effectively express emotions. And yet we try. Personally, I find that extremely interesting.
March 21, 2013
Two Rants
Do not underestimate the youth of our generation. We are powerful. Those who believe are just as much a part of the Armies of the Living God as any adult. It was us, the youth, who pushed back that black wave in my vision. I, a youth, who held it. This is not a matter of age or experience but of the love and faith placed in the Lord Almighty. Yahweh. Our God. We are not powerless. We are not to be degraded. We are not to be allowed to fall. We are the masses, the influence and those vastly influenced by these cultural monsters. We must protect ourselves and be protected. We may be the future, but we are also the now. We are strong. Do not underestimate the youth of my generation.
What shall we do? We are called into this service for more than this, surely: to act out in faith once every now and then. It has been said that Christianity is an ongoing act, a lifestyle of love and service. Rarely with that is it explained that this love and service comes from an overflowing of the love, grace, and mercy that we have been given. Christianity is a lifestyle not of love but of being loved. Our actions and service stem from the realization of what we have been given. This love empowers us. Enables us. It calls children to be prophets. Causes men to fall on their knees in worship and women to rejoice in freedom and adoration. Without this love we are given, our faith means nothing. Is nothing. There must be more to this love if it is so foundational to our spirits. More, possibly, than we could ever understand. Yes, truly. Then what do we do? We share this love, yes, but how? Within the boundaries of circumstance and gifts among other limitations, how do we proclaim this gospel in a way that would impact not only others but ourselves? I don't know. How does an introverted, private-schooled teenager become to prophet she is called to be?
Surely training is continuous for our mission. That training should not nullify our commands. How do I meet this goal now? I am Peter. Not one to wait in Jerusalem for the gift I am to be given. But perhaps, for now, that is what I am to do. Watt, not necessarily just where I am, but in Jerusalem. This first "realm" until the Spirit of God Almighty overwhelms me to the point of tears and joy and desperation to move and rejoice in the glory of my Lord. Ready yourselves. There is a storm coming. I comes to tear down and to build. To purify and refine. To cleanse. To plant and reap and call. Let the Spirit of the Lord arise in your hearts. Put aside your idols and your gods and receive the mantle of the Holy Spirit and the power invested in you through and only through the grace and strength of our God. Prepare yourselves. Ready yourselves. This storm is fast approaching and will wait no longer. A new generation is rising up to take its place. Their eyes are held fast on the glory of the Most High and their hands are ready to do His work. Their hearts are pure and their feet are moving to the pulse of His heart. The armies are marching. Prepare yourselves, my brothers and sisters, for battle. For war. Surely a war will rage in this place. The King is coming. Whether or not this is the war of the End, I cannot claim to know. I speak only the words given to me, that the King is coming. He is preparing the way for His Judge who will reign in glory and power and honor forever.All creatures on the earth, above the earth, and under the earth belong to Him. We rest in His hands. Call together the masses. Awaken the assemblies. The time draws nearer and nearer still when there will be no more to shout the name of Christ in the streets.
To love the Lord your God is to serve Him regardless of the cost. He never asks too much. Ready yourselves. Ready the others! Awaken the church in a new revival. There will be a time when Christianity rises and the greatness of God will be revealed through His bride. She will shine like the Son of Man. But there will be a time, too, when the world will be cloaked in darkness. People will reject the name of Christ and refuse the love of their savior. These times are coming when we will be tried and persecuted for His sake, even in the places we were meant to be safe.
Even so, let us proclaim the glory and honor of our God. In those times and in all, even today. Our God never changes. Let your love for Him never fail, nor let your hearts waver. The flame of a candle is easily extinguished. Do not let this be of your love. Let it instead be a fire that consumes not only the sacrifice, but the water and the stones around it. Let it consume your heart, flowing over into your job, your relationships, your home, your church, everywhere you go, all you do, and who you are. Let your life be a song of worship to our King. All glory to my God forever. Amen.
1 Samuel 12:20-22, 24 (NIV)
“Do not be afraid ... You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. Do not turn away after useless idols. They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless. For the sake of his great name the Lord will not reject his people, because the Lord was pleased to make you his own. But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you."Psalm 2:11 (NIV)
Serve the Lord with fear and celebrate his rule with trembling.Malachi 3:17-18 (NIV)
“On the day when I act,” says the Lord Almighty, “they will be my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as a father has compassion and spares his son who serves him. And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not.Hebrews 9:14 (NIV)
How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!1 Peter 4:10-11 (NIV)*
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.Deuteronomy 10:12-13 (NIV)
And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?Joshua 24:14-16 (NIV)
“Now fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”
Then the people answered, “Far be it from us to forsake the Lord to serve other gods!
*Full reading of this chapter, and in fact of this book, is highly recommended
February 16, 2013
Emptiness
I can't write anything. I've got two posts marked "Draft" waiting for
me, but I can't seem to face them with the respect they deserve. Belonging and Responsibility to Christ. The words just sit there and mock me as I stare back. I can't find the emotion to write them and keep them sincere. I know that if I were to try, I'd be forcing out each syllable and twisting the letters to fit a lie. That, dear friends, is the last thing I want.
I wrote a poem once about how I couldn't write. It ended up being a story-poem with the plot line as follows: I couldn't write, so I sat there looking at an empty page. Finally, inspiration. I write about the empty page I stare at. It was simple, really, and not very long. But this is a different kind of emptiness and how can I write about a blank white canvas on a screen? This emptiness is one that's full of questions. But the questions don't shout or demand answers. They lie there, quiet. Now and again one will whisper, but not often enough to break this feeling. In the silence I see my past and a thousand more questions come rushing in. Rushing in and crashing like a wave. Like something that should make noise and rip apart these foggy seams, but no. This is a silent film. The only sounds are my fingers on the keys and the crunch of pretzel or granola. What kind of backdrop is that? What sort of emotion is this? It doesn't really have a name. It is an emptiness, but it is full of silent songs and questions and memories. And how can an emptiness be full anyway? Tell me, what did I do? What did I do to cause this? I can't escape it. I can run and shout and scream all I want, but I don't make any more noise than do these questions that cling onto me. I'm not even sure how much of this makes sense. I want to feel despair, but instead I feel numb. Pain, joy, anger... anything is welcome if only it will break this down.
I miss my friends. The ones who never knew how much I loved them. The people I want so much now to sit down with and talk to. The ones I promised never to let go. I miss them. I could be real around them and not worry about them judging me. Now, I have to be careful what I say and do just because I know people are watching me. They're looking me up and down and putting a label on me. The different one. Not different in the stereotypical Christian "Oh everyone will see there's something different about you and wonder what it is you have that they don't" type. Not the "everyone's different and that's what makes us unique" kind either. Outcast different. I suppose I shouldn't care. It never bothered me much before. I suppose it doesn't bother me so much now, either, but I think I wish they'd let me breathe. That they'd allow me to take down my mask for a while and give me some space so that I could be who I am in the truest sense. I wish that almost as much as I wish I could form a coherent thought. Or a decent blog post for that matter. If only it weren't for this emptiness...
I wrote a poem once about how I couldn't write. It ended up being a story-poem with the plot line as follows: I couldn't write, so I sat there looking at an empty page. Finally, inspiration. I write about the empty page I stare at. It was simple, really, and not very long. But this is a different kind of emptiness and how can I write about a blank white canvas on a screen? This emptiness is one that's full of questions. But the questions don't shout or demand answers. They lie there, quiet. Now and again one will whisper, but not often enough to break this feeling. In the silence I see my past and a thousand more questions come rushing in. Rushing in and crashing like a wave. Like something that should make noise and rip apart these foggy seams, but no. This is a silent film. The only sounds are my fingers on the keys and the crunch of pretzel or granola. What kind of backdrop is that? What sort of emotion is this? It doesn't really have a name. It is an emptiness, but it is full of silent songs and questions and memories. And how can an emptiness be full anyway? Tell me, what did I do? What did I do to cause this? I can't escape it. I can run and shout and scream all I want, but I don't make any more noise than do these questions that cling onto me. I'm not even sure how much of this makes sense. I want to feel despair, but instead I feel numb. Pain, joy, anger... anything is welcome if only it will break this down.
I miss my friends. The ones who never knew how much I loved them. The people I want so much now to sit down with and talk to. The ones I promised never to let go. I miss them. I could be real around them and not worry about them judging me. Now, I have to be careful what I say and do just because I know people are watching me. They're looking me up and down and putting a label on me. The different one. Not different in the stereotypical Christian "Oh everyone will see there's something different about you and wonder what it is you have that they don't" type. Not the "everyone's different and that's what makes us unique" kind either. Outcast different. I suppose I shouldn't care. It never bothered me much before. I suppose it doesn't bother me so much now, either, but I think I wish they'd let me breathe. That they'd allow me to take down my mask for a while and give me some space so that I could be who I am in the truest sense. I wish that almost as much as I wish I could form a coherent thought. Or a decent blog post for that matter. If only it weren't for this emptiness...
February 11, 2013
Responsibility to Christ
There are so many souls in one room. Next time you're standing in Wal-Mart or church, or some other sort of active and public environment, look around. The sheer amount of people there... It's overwhelming. What can one person do for so many? How can we love so many? How is it even possible? I could pull on some sort of story or metaphor here, but I won't. I'll just speak the truth. Our impact is on as many as we can manage to affect. Just because we can't reach everyone doesn't mean we shouldn't bother trying to reach anyone at all.
It is an enormous amount of responsibility to be a Christian. We have a high calling and responsibility to Christ that it seems we forget. All too often we find ourselves, or rather we lose ourselves in the cracks and crevices of our own minds. Not until church or Bible study, if then, do we remember what we've been called to do. Our battle is raging whether we recognize it or not and the longer we remain oblivious, the farther we slip away. Life is constantly in motion and honestly it's all we can do to keep up. But we must keep running.
It is an enormous amount of responsibility to be a Christian. We have a high calling and responsibility to Christ that it seems we forget. All too often we find ourselves, or rather we lose ourselves in the cracks and crevices of our own minds. Not until church or Bible study, if then, do we remember what we've been called to do. Our battle is raging whether we recognize it or not and the longer we remain oblivious, the farther we slip away. Life is constantly in motion and honestly it's all we can do to keep up. But we must keep running.
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