Pages of Life

Immensity, I think, is one of the most impressive things to me. The number of stars, the size of a mountain, the vastness of space, the amount of work and information that your brain processes at the speed it does. All things incomprehensible and not entirely obtainable. I think I live in the land of theories, somewhere between reality and imagination. I think it's a place of mystery and not knowing for sure is one of the best parts. That's why I get so excited with new thought lines. It's like a new toy to puzzle over. I can twist it and turn it and look at every side I can think of. Then when I show someone else, they can point out new sides or new views on ones I've already found. Or, even more often, I find a string attached that leads to another toy, or maybe a different limb of the same one. It's hard to tell sometimes. But I can look at the connections and see all these new things and it's exciting because I think I know I have someone to share it with. I can give somebody something important. Thinking about how clouds are really just water and wouldn't look so white if you were in them. It'd just be like fog. Or thinking about how your body is made of parts made of tissues of cells of chemicals of atoms of subatomic particles that we can't even see. Particles that could be infinitely small. Or thinking about how really, there's no one normal. It's a collection of "normals" that's a little different for everyone. But I think we express and understand individual sides of "normal" enough to know what's communally accepted. And from that branches culture and religion and stereotypes and rules and laws. What is accepted by the masses? That is what begins to define us as people. Certain people have an idea, something that would benefit them, and they act on it. They advertise it. And they are the ones that change our culture. They determine what is accepted because they hold power over people. Simply put, they are the influential. Not only that, but they're idealized to the point that we mere mortals feel we have no right to question or challenge them. Scientists, singers, actors, pastors, even the founding fathers. No one seems willing to ask if Washington could have done a better job as a president or if Einstein could be mistaken about one of his formulas. I'm not saying these weren't great or iconic men. They were. But they were still men. Human. They messed up. They were mistaken. They had problems. Celebrities are in a bit of an inverse situation. Their faults are exposed, blown up, made to look as if no one else on earth has ever had a divorce. EVER. There's just something about drama, about people having specific roles, that we don't dare question.... and I'm not sure it's so good for us....

Never, Ever, Ever Die

Never, ever, ever die. I swear if you do, I will fall apart. Do you know how much you mean to me? I certainly don't tell you enough. I love you with a deeper, fiercer love than you could know. I can't stand the thought of being alone. Of being without you.

I will be a still-breathing ghost, you know. A shadow of who I was, a memory of a dream some time ago forgotten. It's not a matter of if's or might's. My spirit leaves with you and our deaths are intertwined. My fate is yours and your fate is mine. I couldn't change that if I wanted to. And I wouldn't want to if I could.

So never, ever, ever die because I will collapse, disintegrate, disappear if you do. I wish more than anything that I could escape first, but I wonder what it would do to you. If you would feel the same. And if that is the case, if it's even a possibility, I would rather bear the pain than give it all to you. I'd rather take the pain of your life and that of your death than hand you either of mine. After all, you have your own and who am I to impose my struggles onto you? As long as you're alive, so am I. As long as you're happy, I'm going to be fine. Still I can't help but think what'll happen through time. More than anything, I don't want anyone to die.

I hate it, you know. I hate death and yet it haunts me. Everything I do: my thoughts, my friends, my family. What's worst is that I can't escape it and so I must run. Run and run, little child, and never look back. I can't look back. If I do, I'll have to face Death. He's the same Death I've always felt I created, the same creature I made with my hands. I formed him. I fed him. I nurtured him and gave up so much to keep him alive, to keep him beside me. And this is what he's become. If I look behind me, I'll have to face the Reaper. I will see him bearing down on my friends, bearing down on you. His jaws are always so close behind, taunting and teasing and waiting for us to trip just once. I can smell his sulfur breath, feel the hot air chasing after me as his hollow laughter rings out. And so I run.

Please, I'm begging you, run with me. Run even when you're tired and don't want to run any more. Please. Just keep running for me. Run with me. I can't bear to see you swallowed up. I can't stand to leave you behind. Please, my dear friend, run. Run and never, ever, ever die.

Written under the influence of Looking For Alaska
Leaena Tigris <3

One thought...

Some days I wish I could go into the past and erase all the things that brought me here.

"Love Until it Hurts..."

That's what somebody told me once, quite a while ago. The problem is, it seems like I already do...

Have you ever cared about someone a lot? The way that when they hurt it hurts you and it makes you happy to see them smile? Have you ever had someone like that, only to find that they don't seem like they care about you? I'm not just talking about a romantic interest. I'm talking about day to day people. You get excited because you're going to see them again and they just kind of walk by with a "hi" for formality's sake. If even that. By now, if you've experienced what I'm talking about, you probably know. I'm hoping someone out there can relate. So back to my question, have you ever really cared about someone who doesn't seem to notice or care about you? It is one of the most defeating feelings there is. There are people in my classes at school that I love that way and to them, I'm just another kid. They know I exist, but don't know much about me. Last year, I spent two weeks looking forward to seeing a kid I'd known from a different school. He was coming to shadow where I was and I got so excited. When I finally got to say hi, we had a very brief and formal conversation. The type of thing you do to say "I remember you, but I'm gonna stay over here. Waaaay over here. Away from you." The rest of that day was spent in a mood that can only be described by defeat.

The sadness that comes from something like that, or from a time someone you love is hurting, is relentless. It can take days to remove. The pain of prolonged silence, of constant suppression. It's not something that leaves easily. And, honestly, I wonder whether or not that's a good thing.

What I have decided, at least so far, is that whether or not the pain is good, it is worth it. The love that it requires of you, the effort, the care... THAT is life changing. In your life and in the lives of those who experience it, whether they recognize it or not. That kind of extraordinary love is the same breed of love that compelled Christ to the cross. It comes from the same breed of compassion that drew Him to forgive His betrayer. It is the same kind of love that continues to wake us up every morning. It is unconditional, it is fierce, and it is a the kind of love I once posted about that says we are worth dying for. No matter what the cost is, never stop loving others with everything you are. Out of your love for God let overflow your love for His people. Love until it hurts. And maybe even then some.

"I'm tired of fighting battles that I may never win. But I fight for you." -- Joel and Luke (for KING & COUNTRY)

Exciting News, Guys!

NANOWRIMO IS HERE, EVERYONE!!!!

Do you know what that means? No? Well, shame on you. National Novel Writing Month is a challenge for writers everywhere to join together in a quest for awesomeness. People all over the world enlist in this wonderful journey. Our goal? To write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Difficult? Yes. Time consuming? Of course. Dangerous? Very likely so. Worth it? Always.

So, as you may have guessed, I'm in. I've grabbed my coffee, pen, laptop, and creativity and I'm ready to go. My novel is called Ashen Lion. It's a semi-philosophical story based on what could have been true events. It's my first time trying out realistic fiction, so I'm apprehensive, but it'll be a good experience. And guess what I couldn't do it without? That's write (hehe, that's a pun). Nanowrimo.

In honor of this great program, and the month of November, I'm changing my font to this. And I'm fundraising. Nano is run by a nonprofit called The Office of Letters and Light. They rely on donations to keep NaNoWriMo running, and I've decided to help them out. For more information about my fundraising and goals or to donate, go to stayclassy.com/nanoashenlion. I'll also have updates on my novel progress there, a link to my official Nanowrimo page, and other stuff. If you don't go, don't worry. You'll probably just crush my spirits and make me cry. And I'll probably never write ever again. So no pressure.

Thanks guys! I'm super excited about this month. Ima rock this thing!!!

Leaena Tigris