Emptiness

I can't write anything. I've got two posts marked "Draft" waiting for me, but I can't seem to face them with the respect they deserve. Belonging and Responsibility to Christ. The words just sit there and mock me as I stare back. I can't find the emotion to write them and keep them sincere. I know that if I were to try, I'd be forcing out each syllable and twisting the letters to fit a lie. That, dear friends, is the last thing I want.
I wrote a poem once about how I couldn't write. It ended up being a story-poem with the plot line as follows: I couldn't write, so I sat there looking at an empty page. Finally, inspiration. I write about the empty page I stare at. It was simple, really, and not very long. But this is a different kind of emptiness and how can I write about a blank white canvas on a screen? This emptiness is one that's full of questions. But the questions don't shout or demand answers. They lie there, quiet. Now and again one will whisper, but not often enough to break this feeling. In the silence I see my past and a thousand more questions come rushing in. Rushing in and crashing like a wave. Like something that should make noise and rip apart these foggy seams, but no. This is a silent film. The only sounds are my fingers on the keys and the crunch of pretzel or granola. What kind of backdrop is that? What sort of emotion is this? It doesn't really have a name. It is an emptiness, but it is full of silent songs and questions and memories. And how can an emptiness be full anyway? Tell me, what did I do? What did I do to cause this? I can't escape it. I can run and shout and scream all I want, but I don't make any more noise than do these questions that cling onto me. I'm not even sure how much of this makes sense. I want to feel despair, but instead I feel numb. Pain, joy, anger... anything is welcome if only it will break this down.
I miss my friends. The ones who never knew how much I loved them. The people I want so much now to sit down with and talk to. The ones I promised never to let go. I miss them. I could be real around them and not worry about them judging me. Now, I have to be careful what I say and do just because I know people are watching me. They're looking me up and down and putting a label on me. The different one. Not different in the stereotypical Christian "Oh everyone will see there's something different about you and wonder what it is you have that they don't" type. Not the "everyone's different and that's what makes us unique" kind either. Outcast different. I suppose I shouldn't care. It never bothered me much before. I suppose it doesn't bother me so much now, either, but I think I wish they'd let me breathe. That they'd allow me to take down my mask for a while and give me some space so that I could be who I am in the truest sense. I wish that almost as much as I wish I could form a coherent thought. Or a decent blog post for that matter. If only it weren't for this emptiness...

Responsibility to Christ

There are so many souls in one room. Next time you're standing in Wal-Mart or church, or some other sort of active and public environment, look around. The sheer amount of people there... It's overwhelming. What can one person do for so many? How can we love so many? How is it even possible? I could pull on some sort of story or metaphor here, but I won't. I'll just speak the truth. Our impact is on as many as we can manage to affect. Just because we can't reach everyone doesn't mean we shouldn't bother trying to reach anyone at all.
It is an enormous amount of responsibility to be a Christian. We have a high calling and responsibility to Christ that it seems we forget. All too often we find ourselves, or rather we lose ourselves in the cracks and crevices of our own minds. Not until church or Bible study, if then, do we remember what we've been called to do. Our battle is raging whether we recognize it or not and the longer we remain oblivious, the farther we slip away. Life is constantly in motion and honestly it's all we can do to keep up. But we must keep running.

Three Steps from Crashing (East to West)

There are some days when you just can't win. There are some days when you're on top of the world. And then there are those bipolar days that just can't decide what to do with themselves...


"East To West"
Written by Casting Crowns

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other