Remember the Fallen

I couldn't find a reason to grieve. I was sure there was something wrong with me. Hadn't I loved her? Everyone else was crying....
My great-grandma died close to a week ago. Sunday, December 2, 2012. We went to the funeral and I couldn't find any reason to feel even a semblance of grief for her. In all honesty, I still can't. I tried all the typical reasons.
I'll never see her again: Actually, I will. I'll see her in paradise.
She's not going to be here for Christmas: is this really getting to be about me getting presents? That's pitiful. She's not celebrating Christ's birth here, but she's WITH Christ. That's way better than any Christmas gathering.
She's gone. I can't see her any more: yes, she's gone. She is gone into Heaven. She can breathe freely. She can move. She can run and shout and laugh and dance again.
Death hadn't touched my life until then, save for the loss of two dogs, a hermit crab, and one relative I had never known. Even for my PETS I cried. But for my great-grandma? No. In the span of about 20 minutes I felt sadness. Not grief or sorrow, but sadness.

And now, here I am. This is one week after the mass shooting in Newtown. I think of those 26 killed. I think back to the stories I've heard of Columbine. Of the shootings in Tucson, in Aurora, in so many places within the past few years. I think of my friend's pastor who killed himself last year. I think of all of them who lost their lives, people I don't even know, and I grieve with a sorrow I have never known. It's a physical heartache. Something that makes my stomach knot and my head hurt. I do not hate the shooters. I weep for them. The boy in Newtown, he didn't just wake up that morning with a psychopathic urge to kill. He was human. He IS human. The others were too. The shooters, the victims, the witnesses, they're all HUMAN. I am by no means saying that what they did was right. I am not saying it is acceptable. But they didn't just desire blood. They were driven to that by so many different forces and voices. Some of those were their own.
Now, there are so many families who will wake on Christmas morning and weep bitterly for their children. For their husbands. Wives. Mothers. Fathers. And they will wonder why God would do this if he existed. They will despair in their loss. The shootings go on in theaters, churches, mosques, schools, homes, streets...
And so I grieve for them.
It is devastating. Those children may not have been saved. They will never get to live out their lives. They won't have children of their own. Their families, their friends, now live with not only the memory of their lives but with the memories of their deaths. Depression may ensue. Despair. Falling away from God. Hatred toward those who murdered the ones they loved. And all of this is understandable. To an extent it is expected. No words can compensate for the people you have lost. The nation truly does grieve with you.
Even still, remember those who begin such things. A teenager who decides to open fire on classmates before killing himself may be driven by depression. Depression brought on by others. Everything you do has a consequence. There have been multiple accounts of people planning suicide then rejecting it because someone reminded them that they are Human. That they matter. These kids were reminded of that because someone picked up their books, said hi to them, complimented them somehow. And it saved their life.
To those reading this long after these current events, do not forget to remember the fallen. Do not reject those who hurt. Do not cause the harm that pushes people toward, to, and over the edge of control into the abyss of depression and darkness.
To those not affected by these shootings: pray. Pray for the men, women, and children who have lost ones they loved. That they still love. Pray for comfort and peace. Pray for something good to come from this.
To those involved or affected by the shootings... There are no words for what has happened and I am deeply, deeply sorry. I pray for you. I weep for you, with you, and will continue to do so for years to come. Evil is hard at work. No law or regulation can stop Satan. Comfort each other. I pray that _something_ good would come out of this. Trust in God, because He is there. I can't explain the "why?"s. But there is a reason. Somehow, somewhere, there is a reason. Whether we will ever see or understand it, I don't know.
To you all: Remember the forgotten.




Ltpoethearts.blogspot.com

Questions...

Why is it that just when everything looks perfect and I've neatly arranged all my scenery that a whirlwind comes through and threatens everything? Just when I've filed away all of my Fears and shoved the last few crumbs of Doubt under the rug, a twister runs through and throws everything back out into the open again so that I have to rush to cover it until I have more time to reorganize. I'd just neared recovery from two back-to-back internal battles (the earthquake and the aftershock). Little did I know, a hurricane was on the way. My great-grandma died on Sunday night. I haven't slowed down enough to really soak it in and everything it means. I'm not sure I want to. Maybe this is that "denial stage". If I keep moving long enough, if I can fall asleep fast enough at night, I won't have to think about it and it won't mess me up again. I can outrun the hurricane.
Maybe that's a fantasy, but it's one of the few things I still want to believe. I can't seem to find the light at the end of any of these twisting and winding tunnels. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've been going in circles for months.

Maybe life wasn't meant to be put together. People always seem to think someone or other has their life all figured out, but what if that's not even possible?