March 18, 2012

Fear and Faith

     Fear versus Faith. This must be one of the biggest battles of all time. I mean, think about it. Statistics say that one of the most common fears is public speaking. I am without a doubt the most solid, living proof of that. Somehow, when God tells me to speak to someone, or even write a note and stick it in a kid’s locker, I freeze. By that, I mean I get deer-in-the-headlights scared. If I follow through with it, I’ll open the locker door and my heart will be pounding so hard I think it may jump out. Maybe to everyone else, it looks like it’s no big deal for me, but I’m terrified. For what reason, I don’t know.

Nehemiah built a wall. Noah built an Ark. Abraham was told to kill his only child. He didn’t write words on fragile paper and put it in a metal box crammed full of other assorted items. These are different matters entirely. The things God asks us to do are never impossible with His power, just as we are never incapable. The amount of trust and faith God requires of me is so little, yet I freeze at the mere thought. In all things, I know I am to trust Him wholly and completely, without hesitation or doubt. Perhaps that is the greatest secret to fearlessness: trusting in the one who dispels fear as if it were a flame in the middle of an ocean. What is a piece of paper in eternity? What harm can come from words that is worse than what may come of silence? Maybe in a new year there's more to resolutions of diets, savings, exercise routines, and promises to stop what we never should have never started. Maybe there's a deeper level: one not of flesh and blood but one of purity, holiness, and new beginnings. One that says "Follow me." and requires every bit of our being to do so. And who knows? Maybe it's when you lose something you can't live without that you realize you're more alive than ever.

 
Haggai 2:4-7 "But now be strong, Zerubbabel,’ declares the LORD. ‘Be strong, Joshua son of Jozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares the LORD, ‘and work. For I am with you,’ declares the LORD Almighty. ‘This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And my Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.’ “This is what the LORD Almighty says: ‘In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land. I will shake all nations, and what is desired by all nations will come, and I will fill this house with glory,’ says the LORD Almighty."

Insanity, meet Insomnia

 3:29 and I still can't sleep. Having a lot of nights like this these days, either sitting up and wishing I wasn't so lonely or dreaming of a future where everything was fine. Increasingly more often, I find myself wishing I had someone sitting up beside me, even in silence, but just that I could have someone there. In a way, there is.

It took me way too long to figure his out.Since about a year ago, I've felt the loneliness of not having a boyfriend.Some time after that, I realized exactly what I wanted: someone to love me, who will always be there when I need them, who will listen, who will reassure me,who will comfort me, who I can talk to whenever I want, who will never give me up. Of course, this is all normal and would indeed make for a perfect boyfriend, but I tend to doubt anyone can actually be like that. Instead, I thought over what I wanted and the only person who can fulfill it. Christ. He's always there, right next to me. Sometimes I don't see him but maybe I'm not looking. Sometimes I don't feel him, but maybe it’s because I need to strengthen my faith. After all, faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see, right?

I listen to music that red forces my feelings of loneliness. Perhaps because I've grown so accustomed to it that to have it removed would be like removing a part of me. I read things about people who've found their loves, or like me, who are still looking. Somehow I'm dissatisfied with the love of a man who would rather die than be without me for any amount of time, who tells me every day that he loves me, who gives me presents each day to show his affections. How can I be discontent with such a love? Who am I to say that it is not good enough? Yes, we were made to have a companion. But we were primarily made to know a God. The God. The King of the Universe. The Maker of Everything. And yet I am discontent. I am not willing to speak in His name, the most powerful thing that has or will ever exist, and yet I say that his extreme loyalty is not enough. So why? Why is such a magnificent thing not enough for me? Because I don't talk to Him. I spend so much time writing and thinking and talking to myself that I tell Him "later"and stand him up on every date. I don't talk to Him, but He constantly whispers His love to me. I don't listen and the scream in anger, wondering where he is and why I can't hear Him. So maybe I'm a lot stupider than I realize, but isn't it human? To want something so badly and then realize you've had it all along?But then you say it's insufficient because you aren't doing what you're supposed to. Perhaps it's only human, but we are called to be more than that.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him,graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one.Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:28-39 NIV)

So much in only 11 verses. He works for our good. We are called, justified, and glorified. He is for us and therefore who dare stand against us. In a way, we are invincible. He gave us His treasure so will be not also give us the smaller things? He justifies us and makes the most wicked,terrible sinners righteous before a God who tolerates NO sin. And so, who can take this away? Hard times? Lack of sleep? Loss of things close to us? Sorrow?Trouble? Of course not. Despite all these things, in the midst of all these,"we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." nothing can separate us from this amazing, astounding, unending love. NOTHING. Now tell me how that is insufficient. I scold myself as well as you reading. I wished so long for an unending love only to realize that "my guy" has been waiting for me for over 2000 years. My boy, my love, the only one in the world who matters. And he's waiting for me. ME. Why? Because He loves me. He loves me more than any guy could ever begin to love. More than any boy on earth could even dream of loving. And so, He is ENOUGH. He is more than enough, more than I or anyone else could ever begin to dream of fathoming. Yeah. That much.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:9-11 NIV)